Monday, July 21, 2008
delayed flights are good for the creative juices
i'm in dubai
well, i'm in doha- but at this particular moment i'm in dubai.
waiting to board my flight back to doha- was only here for the day, to see some old friends who couldn't make it to doha for the short 10 days that i am there.
being in doha has been so.. pensive? reflective? i'm unsure exactly how to articulate it- but the general theme has been one of over-thinking my life, my future, my priorities, my ambitions.
it's not for a lack of anything to do- i am still jet lagged and have been running around since i got back less than a week ago. the current plan is to get back and do nothing but relax and beach it up a little till i leave.
being here is always such a wake up call. the gulf is so beautiful, so ugly. i always forget so easily. i grew up here- i know what it is and what it isn't- but i forget the little details. the small things that make me cringe and the grand things that give me inner peace.
how long do i plan on being away from all of it? do i ever want to come back? the strategy so far has been to leave it all up in the air because life will figure it out- but life is happening and graduation is looming and decisions need to be made.
anyway- i'm here, my nails are done, not a hair is out of place and the attire is always appropriate- clearly, i am better at fitting in than i was before i left. largely because i am on vacation and in the back of my mind, i know it is temporary and that i only need to keep the facade up for a while and so i play the game. could i maintain it on a permanent basis?
i did something as simple as go to a mall on saturday night- villagio for those who know or care- and came home feeling suffocated and depressed.
i've always managed to remain blissfully oblivious to the way i am leered at- to the way women are leered at. for some reason, this time, i couldn't maintain my oblivion, i couldn't ignore what i was seeing around me.
my family are... amazing. i love them. they clearly have no idea who i am. actually, that's not fair- they have an idea, but that is about it- they know i am different but not what extent nor do they have an inkling of a suspicion how far this difference has taken me.
for the first time ever i felt like i was living a double life, even though i always have and it has never bothered me. i just assumed they knew and didn't want to ask questions. now i wonder.. do they really, really know? all of a sudden i am left wondering- am i just one of those girls who went away and will have to come back and be miserable until/unless she finds a husband? of course, i grossly exaggerate but.. something doesn't feel right. all of a sudden, the secrets feel huge and are weighing me down. or maybe i am just getting older? it's probably because they are too good to me.
i am far from a party animal and really don't have all that much to hide- but the fact of the matter is, i cannot live in doha the way that i live now. and i like the way that i live now. it's not so much the family that is the problem as much as it is doha itself.
am i meant to maintain a life of self-imposed exile because of the way i choose to live my life? am i meant to come home, grow up and embrace the gulf? i.e. get to the money making and concentrate on nothing but my business-oriented existence? am i meant to come back and go back to living like a teenager? i can't do that anymore- i'm 22 and i don't have the patience, nor the creativity to keep up that sort of life.
...
i can't believe my flight isn't even boarding yet.
well, i'm in doha- but at this particular moment i'm in dubai.
waiting to board my flight back to doha- was only here for the day, to see some old friends who couldn't make it to doha for the short 10 days that i am there.
being in doha has been so.. pensive? reflective? i'm unsure exactly how to articulate it- but the general theme has been one of over-thinking my life, my future, my priorities, my ambitions.
it's not for a lack of anything to do- i am still jet lagged and have been running around since i got back less than a week ago. the current plan is to get back and do nothing but relax and beach it up a little till i leave.
being here is always such a wake up call. the gulf is so beautiful, so ugly. i always forget so easily. i grew up here- i know what it is and what it isn't- but i forget the little details. the small things that make me cringe and the grand things that give me inner peace.
how long do i plan on being away from all of it? do i ever want to come back? the strategy so far has been to leave it all up in the air because life will figure it out- but life is happening and graduation is looming and decisions need to be made.
anyway- i'm here, my nails are done, not a hair is out of place and the attire is always appropriate- clearly, i am better at fitting in than i was before i left. largely because i am on vacation and in the back of my mind, i know it is temporary and that i only need to keep the facade up for a while and so i play the game. could i maintain it on a permanent basis?
i did something as simple as go to a mall on saturday night- villagio for those who know or care- and came home feeling suffocated and depressed.
i've always managed to remain blissfully oblivious to the way i am leered at- to the way women are leered at. for some reason, this time, i couldn't maintain my oblivion, i couldn't ignore what i was seeing around me.
my family are... amazing. i love them. they clearly have no idea who i am. actually, that's not fair- they have an idea, but that is about it- they know i am different but not what extent nor do they have an inkling of a suspicion how far this difference has taken me.
for the first time ever i felt like i was living a double life, even though i always have and it has never bothered me. i just assumed they knew and didn't want to ask questions. now i wonder.. do they really, really know? all of a sudden i am left wondering- am i just one of those girls who went away and will have to come back and be miserable until/unless she finds a husband? of course, i grossly exaggerate but.. something doesn't feel right. all of a sudden, the secrets feel huge and are weighing me down. or maybe i am just getting older? it's probably because they are too good to me.
i am far from a party animal and really don't have all that much to hide- but the fact of the matter is, i cannot live in doha the way that i live now. and i like the way that i live now. it's not so much the family that is the problem as much as it is doha itself.
am i meant to maintain a life of self-imposed exile because of the way i choose to live my life? am i meant to come home, grow up and embrace the gulf? i.e. get to the money making and concentrate on nothing but my business-oriented existence? am i meant to come back and go back to living like a teenager? i can't do that anymore- i'm 22 and i don't have the patience, nor the creativity to keep up that sort of life.
...
i can't believe my flight isn't even boarding yet.
