Thursday, July 09, 2009
fragments
i'm sitting at my same desk
staring out of the same window i have stared out of for years
the sun is coming up.
i see grays, purples, pinks, twinkly city lights, fog, clouds, chimney smoke, water, bridge... the strip joint still intent on sending someone into an epileptic seizure.
i haven't been awake and in any sort of sober state that allows for writing in a long time.
i really should be sleeping but i am too sad to sleep
i kept waking up.. sad, and so i gave up and came out for a smoke
and another
and the bbc
the facebook
and another
and now the blogger.
this time is so quiet- downtown is such a zoo during the day and night- but right around 4 to 5 am, after the rowdy bunches have gone home and before the early birds are getting their worms, downtown is mine and i am at peace with it, and it with me.
when it is this quiet, i can finally think
and yet my memory fails so i cannot think about the things i want to think about.
my memory frustrates me so much more than i let on
it works in the strangest of ways
i will remember what someone said to me six months ago, how and where they said it.
i will remember vaguely remember something someone said six months ago but no details.
i will fail to remember 6 out of the 10 conversations i had today.
i will remember the conversations... but possibly none of what was said
but most likely, i remember fragments.
my memory works in fragments, and i can't figure out why i retain what i do and why i discard what i don't. there is no rationale that i can see to this strange system inside my head.
anyway, i was sad. it was very frustrating. i kept waking up.
sometimes you don't know how things got the way that they did.
or why you're even so upset.
only fragments.
staring out of the same window i have stared out of for years
the sun is coming up.
i see grays, purples, pinks, twinkly city lights, fog, clouds, chimney smoke, water, bridge... the strip joint still intent on sending someone into an epileptic seizure.
i haven't been awake and in any sort of sober state that allows for writing in a long time.
i really should be sleeping but i am too sad to sleep
i kept waking up.. sad, and so i gave up and came out for a smoke
and another
and the bbc
the facebook
and another
and now the blogger.
this time is so quiet- downtown is such a zoo during the day and night- but right around 4 to 5 am, after the rowdy bunches have gone home and before the early birds are getting their worms, downtown is mine and i am at peace with it, and it with me.
when it is this quiet, i can finally think
and yet my memory fails so i cannot think about the things i want to think about.
my memory frustrates me so much more than i let on
it works in the strangest of ways
i will remember what someone said to me six months ago, how and where they said it.
i will remember vaguely remember something someone said six months ago but no details.
i will fail to remember 6 out of the 10 conversations i had today.
i will remember the conversations... but possibly none of what was said
but most likely, i remember fragments.
my memory works in fragments, and i can't figure out why i retain what i do and why i discard what i don't. there is no rationale that i can see to this strange system inside my head.
anyway, i was sad. it was very frustrating. i kept waking up.
sometimes you don't know how things got the way that they did.
or why you're even so upset.
only fragments.
Friday, June 12, 2009
on distance
so my parents just left
and once again i am left wondering why i have chosen the life that i have
and why i insist on keeping it
and why it is so hard to say see you later
even though they drive me crazy
i cannot and will not go 'home'
i hate being apart from them
and you know.. you look around, and so many times people regret being away from the ones they love
and then i choose it
and i hate it
but i refuse to change it
and
yeah i'm too drained to keep writing.
and once again i am left wondering why i have chosen the life that i have
and why i insist on keeping it
and why it is so hard to say see you later
even though they drive me crazy
i cannot and will not go 'home'
i hate being apart from them
and you know.. you look around, and so many times people regret being away from the ones they love
and then i choose it
and i hate it
but i refuse to change it
and
yeah i'm too drained to keep writing.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Funny, I only just wrote about Betty and Veronica
So Archie finally commits. And he picked Veronica. Surprised? I'm not. That's what would have happened in real life. And I guess the writers wanted to teach readers a lesson in real-life relationships.
Obviously Betty is a the nicer girl.. the one who would actually take care of Archie.. but then, Veronica has a pool. She also yells at him, dates other guys and is generally a bitch.
Ok tween girls, are you listening to the lesson?
Obviously Betty is a the nicer girl.. the one who would actually take care of Archie.. but then, Veronica has a pool. She also yells at him, dates other guys and is generally a bitch.
Ok tween girls, are you listening to the lesson?
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
What is wrong with us? We choose to live in places places based on some architectural masterpiece or a park or some random body of water as opposed to living with the people we love or basing our lives on the relationships we have with them. We carry on with our neurotically busy lives filled with nonsense that keeps us running around like cockroaches in order not to stop or think or worse...feel.
We control our thoughts and feelings with uppers and downers and enhancers and stabilizers to make sure we can function normally in a society that is anything but normal. Not only do we suppress and repress but we actually pick and choose how we want to be feeling that day and consume the correct upper or downer accordingly. And then we continue the madness by turning mind numbing activities into social activities we enjoy with our friends.
Friends we don't actually share anything with but only keep around for the good times.. but the minute we feel like we're about to falter we shut them all out because no trust actually exists. Because we don't feel like we can let them know our real selves. Because we couldn't possible let anyone see us in a moment of weakness. And in return, they do the same. But hey, when it's time to party..
Everybody either has a therapist or an addiction to travel or a substance abuse problem or a big dirty secret problem or another. And the ones who don't crumble. And then we label them as weak.
But every once in a while it all comes tumbling down on our heads in the form of an anxiety attack or an anger management problem or a fit of insane shopping or some sort of reckless behaviour problem or another and we laugh about how lifes just like that.
We control our thoughts and feelings with uppers and downers and enhancers and stabilizers to make sure we can function normally in a society that is anything but normal. Not only do we suppress and repress but we actually pick and choose how we want to be feeling that day and consume the correct upper or downer accordingly. And then we continue the madness by turning mind numbing activities into social activities we enjoy with our friends.
Friends we don't actually share anything with but only keep around for the good times.. but the minute we feel like we're about to falter we shut them all out because no trust actually exists. Because we don't feel like we can let them know our real selves. Because we couldn't possible let anyone see us in a moment of weakness. And in return, they do the same. But hey, when it's time to party..
Everybody either has a therapist or an addiction to travel or a substance abuse problem or a big dirty secret problem or another. And the ones who don't crumble. And then we label them as weak.
But every once in a while it all comes tumbling down on our heads in the form of an anxiety attack or an anger management problem or a fit of insane shopping or some sort of reckless behaviour problem or another and we laugh about how lifes just like that.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
makes me crazy
Went to the souk yesterday. Art galleries and cafes and people watching. Generally, I hate people watching but sometimes in Doha you see some real gems. Total characters. Especially in somewhere like Souq Waqif.
Really, I'm just trying to keep busy. I have immense amounts of energy that I try to expend throughout the day so that I can actually get some sleep. Sometimes it works, other times, not so much.
The past two nights I have been sleeping like a dead body. I just pass out and wake up four hours later feeling like I have slept for days. Roaring and ready to go and start my day at 5 am. Then I go back to sleep and wake up groggy as hell three hours later.
Anyway, my life is up in the air at the moment. I think 2009 is officially the year of the limbo. I hate not knowing. It makes me crazy.
Really, I'm just trying to keep busy. I have immense amounts of energy that I try to expend throughout the day so that I can actually get some sleep. Sometimes it works, other times, not so much.
The past two nights I have been sleeping like a dead body. I just pass out and wake up four hours later feeling like I have slept for days. Roaring and ready to go and start my day at 5 am. Then I go back to sleep and wake up groggy as hell three hours later.
Anyway, my life is up in the air at the moment. I think 2009 is officially the year of the limbo. I hate not knowing. It makes me crazy.
Friday, May 22, 2009
fun in the sun
I went to see a very old friend the other day. Friend? I suppose she was more like a second mother. I spent a lot of time in her house in high school. Anyway, I don't have her phone number, or her email.. but her house, much like mine, was always open to whoever decided to just waltz in. So I decided that was the best thing to do. I hadn't been there since.. I'm not actually sure. It's been a very long time.
So, I decided to just work up the nerve to ring the doorbell and say hello. Because I knew I should. Back in high school, I practically lived in her home.
... and nothing had changed. Her kids are bigger and older, but the house is the same.. and there she was, having a beer with a friend of hers and gossiping about men, work, sex, America vs. Arabia. Absolutely nothing had changed.
She is American. As American as Americans can get.
Anyway, she decided to give me the usual load of advice. You know, the advice that all older women tell all younger women about men and work and life, in the hopes that they will actually apply it, because they never did. I left there wondering why across all cultures all older women always feel the need to impart this same advice to the younger ones, knowing full well we will likely ignore it.
This afternoon my friends I sat by the pool with the women of the family and a close family friend. Same story. Advice Advice Advice. Men, Work, Men, Fun, Work, Men. It never fails. Every time I sit down with a bunch of middle aged women it is always the same.
Are they all trying to teach us something they really think we fail to grasp? We all nodded and smiled at the right moments but none of it has any impact... Because my friends and I were all glancing at one another, all clearly thinking the same thing- "you didn't apply what you preach, and neither have we... can you pass me a beer and talk about something else?"
Men don't do these things. I can't imagine a bunch of guys sitting around a pool with beers while the older ones tell the younger ones how to live their lives. Why would they? It's silly! Makes no difference! Just enjoy the sun for Gods sake!
Maybe it's boys, not girls, who just wanna have fun.
..or maybe this is their fun....
So, I decided to just work up the nerve to ring the doorbell and say hello. Because I knew I should. Back in high school, I practically lived in her home.
... and nothing had changed. Her kids are bigger and older, but the house is the same.. and there she was, having a beer with a friend of hers and gossiping about men, work, sex, America vs. Arabia. Absolutely nothing had changed.
She is American. As American as Americans can get.
Anyway, she decided to give me the usual load of advice. You know, the advice that all older women tell all younger women about men and work and life, in the hopes that they will actually apply it, because they never did. I left there wondering why across all cultures all older women always feel the need to impart this same advice to the younger ones, knowing full well we will likely ignore it.
This afternoon my friends I sat by the pool with the women of the family and a close family friend. Same story. Advice Advice Advice. Men, Work, Men, Fun, Work, Men. It never fails. Every time I sit down with a bunch of middle aged women it is always the same.
Are they all trying to teach us something they really think we fail to grasp? We all nodded and smiled at the right moments but none of it has any impact... Because my friends and I were all glancing at one another, all clearly thinking the same thing- "you didn't apply what you preach, and neither have we... can you pass me a beer and talk about something else?"
Men don't do these things. I can't imagine a bunch of guys sitting around a pool with beers while the older ones tell the younger ones how to live their lives. Why would they? It's silly! Makes no difference! Just enjoy the sun for Gods sake!
Maybe it's boys, not girls, who just wanna have fun.
..or maybe this is their fun....
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
...or maybe i'm just dumber
When I was younger, I read a lot of Archie comics. I also read a lot of Sweet Valley High, and Sweet Valley University. I wanted to be Betty and Veronica. I also wanted to be both Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield. Typical girly stuff. I also loved Jane Austin and was infatuated with Medieval England. I fancied myself rebelling against the injustices of the time while simultaneously reveling in the dresses and the balls. Later on in life I became much more interested in renaissance Europe, but anyway… back to my point. I must have read the Great Gatsby ten times. And Brave New World. There was a point where I could quote Romeo and Juliet in my day to day conversations. I thought the story was lame, but loved the way Shakespeare recounted it.
I used to be an avid reader. I was never without a book. I hated television and loved reading. I read cookbooks and Jane Austin with equal delight. It wasn't just a fiction thing. We used to have the World Encyclopedia at home and they came with a whole bunch of kids books about science and other random things. I read all of them cover to cover repeatedly.
When I was last in London, I noticed everyone around me reading. On the tube, on the bus, on the bench and at Itsu and Pret a Manger. The iPods were also everywhere, but the magazine stands were at every corner and the bookshops were on every street and everyone was reading. And then I noticed that I had noticed.
Does no one in North America read? Or is it just Montreal? Or is it my Montreal? I have to admit, I no longer read like I used to. Its part distraction, part laziness and part neurosis. My love for reading simmered down with the hundreds and hundreds of assigned pages during my undergrad. I find that I still read lots of magazines though.
Less of a commitment that way I suppose.
I used to be an avid reader. I was never without a book. I hated television and loved reading. I read cookbooks and Jane Austin with equal delight. It wasn't just a fiction thing. We used to have the World Encyclopedia at home and they came with a whole bunch of kids books about science and other random things. I read all of them cover to cover repeatedly.
When I was last in London, I noticed everyone around me reading. On the tube, on the bus, on the bench and at Itsu and Pret a Manger. The iPods were also everywhere, but the magazine stands were at every corner and the bookshops were on every street and everyone was reading. And then I noticed that I had noticed.
Does no one in North America read? Or is it just Montreal? Or is it my Montreal? I have to admit, I no longer read like I used to. Its part distraction, part laziness and part neurosis. My love for reading simmered down with the hundreds and hundreds of assigned pages during my undergrad. I find that I still read lots of magazines though.
Less of a commitment that way I suppose.
life can be sad
Her name is Lola, she was a showgirl
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!
But that was 30 years ago, when they used to have a show
Now it's a disco, but not for Lola
Still in the dress she used to wear, faded feathers in her hair
She sits there so refined, and drinks herself half-blind
She lost her youth and she lost her Tony
Now she's lost her mind!
ramblings
Despite all the terrible things that I can say about the place I grew up, Doha has always been a place where I could gather my thoughts- only to discard them promptly upon boarding an aircraft. Nonetheless, I always used to collect my thoughts here because I could take a step back from my life and gain some perspective. However, it becomes difficult to think when you have to banish particular thoughts and stop yourself from contemplating particular pressing issues, because they are out of your hands and so thinking about them will only make you crazy.
As such, being here has been mainly about family and fulfilling some sort of obligation I created to be a "good" daughter by spending time with my parents, and finally getting to know my aunts and cousins. That part has been easy. The rest has been difficult. Finding something to do with all this spare time makes me feel like I am wasting my life away. Shouldn't I have done something more interesting with my time off? I suppose I have plenty of 'interesting' coming up and choosing to lead my life elsewhere dictates that I need to see them at some point and this is that point, but… it all goes back to me being bored. And the truth. is, I haven't been bored in years so I don't know what to do with bored or how to deal with it.
I have plenty to do on most days so that isn't the problem. I'm bored on the inside.
I think I miss Montreal, but I'm not even sure. I know I miss particular things. People, places… ok, mostly people. But I'm used to missing people. So is it a case of me not ever wanting to live elsewhere? I don't think so… and yet that damn place still feels like home, so I'm not sure, and I probably won't know until much too late if that is the case. I think my bed is the problem. Or maybe my kitchen. I miss my kitchen too. I have an open concept kitchen with a bar separating the space from my living room. That bar has been the center of my social universe for a long time.
As such, being here has been mainly about family and fulfilling some sort of obligation I created to be a "good" daughter by spending time with my parents, and finally getting to know my aunts and cousins. That part has been easy. The rest has been difficult. Finding something to do with all this spare time makes me feel like I am wasting my life away. Shouldn't I have done something more interesting with my time off? I suppose I have plenty of 'interesting' coming up and choosing to lead my life elsewhere dictates that I need to see them at some point and this is that point, but… it all goes back to me being bored. And the truth. is, I haven't been bored in years so I don't know what to do with bored or how to deal with it.
I have plenty to do on most days so that isn't the problem. I'm bored on the inside.
I think I miss Montreal, but I'm not even sure. I know I miss particular things. People, places… ok, mostly people. But I'm used to missing people. So is it a case of me not ever wanting to live elsewhere? I don't think so… and yet that damn place still feels like home, so I'm not sure, and I probably won't know until much too late if that is the case. I think my bed is the problem. Or maybe my kitchen. I miss my kitchen too. I have an open concept kitchen with a bar separating the space from my living room. That bar has been the center of my social universe for a long time.
