confused arab chick

settling in is a long, slow process for me.
one step forward, three steps back and so on.

my lack of writing has not been because my life has been too exciting,
on the contrary, it has been devoid of inspiration.

wait, that's not fair.
i'm very inspired academically- but not in reality.

i also have so many ups and downs i may as well be living on a trampoline-
which makes formulating coherent thoughts about how i'm feeling difficult.

but i'm here
and i'm trudging on.

letting is go easy.
if you can let go of a part of yourself.

...with the academics:

GOD I KNOW SO LITTLE
so pathetically little

it seems i will have to choose the life of the reclusive academic and forgo all forms of fun just to get through the next three months.

fun times ahead.

otherwise: anecdotes from my new life.

1) I went to get my apartment keys last week, and was equipped with brand
new bed sheets and detergent (also a mop, gloves and all the
environmentally friendly cleaning supplies whole foods had to offer)
so I could wash my new sheets and try to get the place into a
semi-clean state before officially moving in tomorrow.

I opened the washing machine to begin my fun times.. and it was full
of water. I called- the super is gone. It's Sunday and a long weekend.
No fixing until tomorrow. I started crying. Uncontrollably. Like,
balling. It was... pathetic.

2) Yesterday I saw a rat that had been squished dead by a car into the lines in the drain
Have been needing to share since


BUT OTHERWISE:
The washing machine crisis (as it will now be called), was a moment of home-sick insanity of some sort. Now it's funny, so I share. My friends seem to think it would be a better story if the water in the machine had been a rat. If there
had been a rat in there, I assure you that I would have promptly
turned around, packed my bags and come on home. I am not cut out for
living with rodents. Call me prissy, I don't care- this girl cannot do
it!


...me and my classes? I feel like my undergrad was playtime.. and playtime is over!

xoxo
from
nyc

exhausting
emotionally draining
and wrought with so many ups and downs you don't even know who you are anymore

i jump so easily between ecstatic and pathetic it's disturbing.

the ups are high in the clouds, covered in powdered sugar and strawberries and cream, with the sound of a gentle stream uplifting ones soul.
but the downs are so so low.

this blog needs a facelift.
as does my writing style.

so many thoughts swirling through my head recently.. and yet, i stare at this screen with nothing.

i have left montreal. truly this time.
i hope.

i feel like i've left- i didn't the first time, or the second.. or the third. heh.

i'm in new york.
i keep thinking back to the first time i visited- nearly six years ago now.

i came on a bus with a friend- we are no longer friends, but no matter.

we took the overnight bus and she slept the whole way while i drifted in and out of consciousness, and we arrived early in the morning.

we took a taxi from the bus station and i still remember calling my father straight away to tell him i was moving to new york. i said i wasn't even going back to montreal. :)

anyway, three or four days later i got back on the bus and went back to montreal. and to school.

and then i visited again. and again. and again. i drove here and i flew here.. but i never took that damned bus again.

sometimes i loved the energy. others i found serenity.

and now, apparently, i live here.

i'm sitting at my same desk
staring out of the same window i have stared out of for years

the sun is coming up.
i see grays, purples, pinks, twinkly city lights, fog, clouds, chimney smoke, water, bridge... the strip joint still intent on sending someone into an epileptic seizure.

i haven't been awake and in any sort of sober state that allows for writing in a long time.

i really should be sleeping but i am too sad to sleep
i kept waking up.. sad, and so i gave up and came out for a smoke
and another
and the bbc
the facebook
and another
and now the blogger.

this time is so quiet- downtown is such a zoo during the day and night- but right around 4 to 5 am, after the rowdy bunches have gone home and before the early birds are getting their worms, downtown is mine and i am at peace with it, and it with me.


when it is this quiet, i can finally think
and yet my memory fails so i cannot think about the things i want to think about.

my memory frustrates me so much more than i let on
it works in the strangest of ways

i will remember what someone said to me six months ago, how and where they said it.
i will remember vaguely remember something someone said six months ago but no details.
i will fail to remember 6 out of the 10 conversations i had today.
i will remember the conversations... but possibly none of what was said

but most likely, i remember fragments.
my memory works in fragments, and i can't figure out why i retain what i do and why i discard what i don't. there is no rationale that i can see to this strange system inside my head.



anyway, i was sad. it was very frustrating. i kept waking up.
sometimes you don't know how things got the way that they did.
or why you're even so upset.
only fragments.

so my parents just left
and once again i am left wondering why i have chosen the life that i have
and why i insist on keeping it
and why it is so hard to say see you later

even though they drive me crazy


i cannot and will not go 'home'
i hate being apart from them

and you know.. you look around, and so many times people regret being away from the ones they love
and then i choose it
and i hate it
but i refuse to change it

and

yeah i'm too drained to keep writing.